Shadows...

So I'm writing this all mellow like. All mellow, rainy Cape Town like. Can't get a lyric outta my head "All the bad boys are standing in the shadows, and all the good girls are at home with broken hearts". 

For some reason, and I don't know why this is, but I feel like I've been standing in the shadows for a long time now. If I knew how to express that better I would. But it's as if the colour in the world isn't quite as I remember. I'm finding myself staring at the sky and asking 'have you always been like that?' It's as if the road I'm walking is entering new lands, similar to what I've known before, but different...pulsing with a different rhythm, in step to a different tune. 

The concept of womanhood fascinates me. That undefinable point where being a girl ends and the making of the woman you've spent your whole life becoming is revealed. Maybe that's the change I'm experiencing. Maybe it's the absence of that change that has me feeling all out of synch. Guess I'll have to wait on time for my answer, but something is missing.

In my experience, when things go to plan, we find some real truths about ourselves. When our aspirations and dreams form into reality, when the things we've being working for work, they give insight into that most fundamental question: am I really happy? 

In the past 12 months I've had a surprising answer to that question. Despite a lot of changes and moving forward in huge steps there has remained a restlessness in my being. 

Maybe I should have married that guy. Maybe I should've got that tattoo I had a sudden impulse to have inked on me last week. Maybe I should've drank more and spoken less. Maybe I'm meant to be someone other than myself.

Maybe.

Idealism is the best of things, it is also the very worst. I see the best better than most but miss the oncoming train every time. And as I absorb another's impact, I can't help feeling that whilst idealism gives you the strength to get off the ground, I wouldn't be here in the first place if it wasn't for the bastard.

I know what I'm looking for. I've seen it in my mind since I was 10 years old. Maybe the truth of the matter is that's the only place it exists, wrapped in its own reality. Touchable, but never attainable. 

Free fallin', fallin'...