Shadows...

So I'm writing this all mellow like. All mellow, rainy Cape Town like. Can't get a lyric outta my head "All the bad boys are standing in the shadows, and all the good girls are at home with broken hearts". 

For some reason, and I don't know why this is, but I feel like I've been standing in the shadows for a long time now. If I knew how to express that better I would. But it's as if the colour in the world isn't quite as I remember. I'm finding myself staring at the sky and asking 'have you always been like that?' It's as if the road I'm walking is entering new lands, similar to what I've known before, but different...pulsing with a different rhythm, in step to a different tune. 

The concept of womanhood fascinates me. That undefinable point where being a girl ends and the making of the woman you've spent your whole life becoming is revealed. Maybe that's the change I'm experiencing. Maybe it's the absence of that change that has me feeling all out of synch. Guess I'll have to wait on time for my answer, but something is missing.

In my experience, when things go to plan, we find some real truths about ourselves. When our aspirations and dreams form into reality, when the things we've being working for work, they give insight into that most fundamental question: am I really happy? 

In the past 12 months I've had a surprising answer to that question. Despite a lot of changes and moving forward in huge steps there has remained a restlessness in my being. 

Maybe I should have married that guy. Maybe I should've got that tattoo I had a sudden impulse to have inked on me last week. Maybe I should've drank more and spoken less. Maybe I'm meant to be someone other than myself.

Maybe.

Idealism is the best of things, it is also the very worst. I see the best better than most but miss the oncoming train every time. And as I absorb another's impact, I can't help feeling that whilst idealism gives you the strength to get off the ground, I wouldn't be here in the first place if it wasn't for the bastard.

I know what I'm looking for. I've seen it in my mind since I was 10 years old. Maybe the truth of the matter is that's the only place it exists, wrapped in its own reality. Touchable, but never attainable. 

Free fallin', fallin'...

BECAME OUR BIGGEST SIN

I read through old messages, incidents long gone
I remember what was said and the glances in between breathing
And I wonder what the hell have I done
I wake myself sometimes from this life to be reminded that you are
not you
Not any more.
You knew about the dreams I had.. tried to live up to them
To become someone I adore.
But the strain of change was just to much, no one acts forever.
You're gone now but the dream says "never say never"
Your face should not be a resemblance of the rising sun
You are cold and dark and WEEK and made a believer out of me
What the HELL have you done
I reach out to grab you by your face and spit fire down your throat
I refrain.
The words are engaged in my mind and bring hope that you'll
Become a god again.
You have proved your Love to someone else
At any cost
And left me in a daze. I found myself confused.
And lost.
I see it now, it was all so trivial really, the promises were made for fun
And in the end those who laugh loudest cries the most
What the hell have I done
To Myself and to our loved ones who only bought us so much joy
and laughter
I hate them for hating me for hating you because I'll love you
For ever and ever.
We go on now and nothing ever happened
and we are FREE
To live and LOVE and walk the conventional path
and cover our faces to what we see
What the hell, was it really worth it?
To lose and 'loose' and never win
The little bit of the world we got a glimpse of?

THE RENUNCIATION

* Renunciation - Not a painful obligation, but the result of a free choice; nor the giving up of an object of desire in favor of another object of desire. The question of advantage or disadvantage does not enter into it; these are delusions of the personal ego. The one who truly renounces abandons the acquisitiveness and desire for personal advantage which are the law of the lower nature, and follows the law of the higher nature, which is the law of love and harmony. ...

The Renunciation

Before you indulge
in the act of renunciation,
know what you renounce.
Have you lain on a bed
of combed-cobweb down
electing, instead, a bed of thorn?
Have you tasted ambrosia,
drunk the dew of the gods,
choosing instead dry bread and salt?
Have you flown with the eagles,
run with the wolves,
fleeted, gazelle-footed,
before wearing your shackles?
Have you heard loves whisper?
Felt its molten melting,
and its sharp, acid recall?
Feel it, ere you deny it,
for the celibates thin cell.
Have you beaten and eaten
the flesh of the old dying bear,
betrayed the weeping and helpless,
who, in their dark night of grief,
called you friend?
Have you murdered the light
in your thought and your speech,
collected debts you were never even owed?
Did you gamble for the dying man's clothes,
for his sandals cast lots,
withheld the hydrating drink?
If youve withheld no approval,
neither murdered nor mocked,
never bargained for love,
or haggled for more than you've given,
killed nothing for pride,
nailed no one to a tree there's little to renounce,
for there's little you've done worth setting free.

My 25 Things....

1. I know the alphabet better backwards than forwards
2. Geography is not one of my strong qualities
3. I think you probably have me all wrong.
4. I am not sure what compels me to write anything about myself, let alone 25 things
5. I only REALLY wake up after 12. I don't sleep at all. This legally makes me a zombie.
6. I care more about you than I do about me.
7. I love cupcakes.
8. I hate the dark.
9. I love being a mommy. I was born to be a mommy!
10. I would be a vampire if I could.
11. I was never sprung off of pop music as a tween. aka your backdoor boys, or NSHIT. Blow me.
12. I give amazing advice that I never expect anyone to follow because even I do stupid things when "I know better".
13. I don't believe much in what people say. I often ask why one said ___ rather than worry about what was actually said. I find more truth this way.
14. I do a lot of things in the secret. Like draw.
15. I keep things like this private because I hate to disappoint others and more over, myself.
16. I have a heinous aversion to the notion of time, schedules and plans. Like people.. Time should not expect for me to be able to predict my mood and act in a predetermined way.
17. I am constantly looking for others to prove me wrong. No one has really succeeded yet.
18. I know too much for my own good.
19. I love horror films
19. I am a now person. Take what you need from yesterday.. Don't worry about tomorrow.. All dust settles in time.
20. Smiling is my favorite.
21. I am the least judgmental person I know and I think that everyone deserves chances. Yes, plural.
22. I am a real girly girl. I love it and am super proud of it.
23. Family comes first. But my friends are uber goober important to me.
24. I talk a lot of shit, but if you don't believe me, you can back up yourself.
25. You will never win a logical argument against my viewpoints.

Speak when you are angry???

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

Yah.. I just read that somewhere on some crap lousy cyber site and its so stupid true that I felt the need to blog it.

I just wanted to say that I think it's horse shit that the male gender is so good at the whole "we'll talk about it later" move..

The fact that (some/most) of you (in my experience) can be completely irate about something I did... And look me in the eyeballs for a day or two before talking about it is completely mind bottling...

But again... This approach makes me question my tendency to want to lash out irrationally when you act like a damn fool..

So I guess I have come to appreciate the weirdness that is wiener-centric.
[females are way more impulsive. All crazy craze like... ]

I am not being sexist... Cause I know far too well of the wiener population that will flip a bitch at the drop of a hat...

But damn it...
Sometimes it good to be a gangster and let the shit sizzle before dealing with it.

I just wish I could look at your face when I want to shake you retarded and contain myself.

I will be working on that.

That is all.

Always for the First Time

Always for the first time
Hardly do I know you by sight
You return at some hour of the night to a house at an angle to my window
A wholly imaginary house
It is there that from one second to the next
In the inviolate darkness
I anticipate once more the fascinating rift occuring
The one and only rift
In the facade and in my heart
The closer I come to you
In reality
The more the key sings at the door of the unknown room
Where you appear alone before me
At first you coalesce entierly with the brightness
The elusive angle of a curtain
It's a field of jasmine I gazed upon at dawn on a road in the vicinity of Grasse
With the diagonal slant of its girls picking
Behind them the dark falling wing of the plants stripped bare
Before them a T-square of dazzling light
The curtain invisibly raised
In a frenzy all the flowers swarm back in
It is you at grips with that too long hour never dim enough until sleep
You as though you could be
The same except that I shall perhaps never meet you
You pretend not to know I am watching you
Marvelously I am no longer sure you know
You idleness brings tears to my eyes
A swarm of interpretations surrounds each of your gestures
It's a honeydew hunt
There are rocking chairs on a deck there are branches that may well scratch you in the forest
There are in a shop window in the rue Notre-Dame-de-Lorette
Two lovely crossed legs caught in long stockings
Flaring out in the center of a great white clover
There is a silken ladder rolled out over the ivy
There is
By my leaning over the precipice
Of your presence and your absense in hopeless fusion
My finding the secret
Of loving you


Always for the First time.